Thursday, August 9, 2012

Why? and the Hope That Follows

I  can't believe how long it's been since I last posted.  Should I apologize like I did in my last post about being a flake?  Wouldn't that be a tad redundant?  I think so.
I can't apologize for the literal adventure that God has taken my family on in only 1 years time that has made me completely forget that I have a blog.
We've been across the country TWICE in less than a year.  Sheesh!

In a nut shell:  We moved from California to Texas, lived with my parents for 10 months, just as we were about to rent a house in Austin, Joe's last (and wonderful) employers called him up and asked him to please come back.  So we prayed about it, and willingly moved back to California lickity split.  Trusting in God all along the way.
We are now living in the same city as before, Joe is working at our same ol church, and we are even living in the same neighborhood as last time.

So much has happened for us, and (I'm sure like many people who know us) I can't help but wonder...What was God thinking?  What is He up to with moving us all over the place?  Why did He move me back to my home state that I've been praying to move back to for 5 years, surround me with people that love me unconditionally, and then move me away from them again?  That's what I want to know!  I know for a fact that He has a plan and I just have to trust in that.  Yet, deep deep down inside I am confused and a little heartbroken.

Am I happy to be back?  Yes.  I'm super duper excited to do God's will and see my husband make a difference at our church.  He has such a passion for what God has gifted him with and we can't wait to see how God is going to use that for Crossroads.
Do I miss Austin?  Without a friggin doubt, YES.  I can't talk to my Mom on the phone without tearing up. I am a country girl through and through.  I literally feel closer to God when I am surrounded by oak trees.  I hear the Holy Spirit as I walk through open pastures.  It relaxes me and I feel happy there.  I love every single thing about Texas.  The people, the weather, the smells, the scenery, the small's endless.  I love it!  It's me!  I 'fit' there in a way that I never have in California.

To be 100% honest, I have not felt this kind of heartache in a long long looong time.  I moved to CA 8 years ago with my husband, but I didn't miss home as much as I do now.  For some reason, it's different this time.  You see, about 5 years ago I started praying that we would move back to Texas.  I prayed this prayer every single time that I prayed.  When times got rough, I prayed it even more.  Then last August, we had the opportunity to move back there.  I was so happy!  You wouldn't believe it.  FINALLY, God was answering MY prayers.  I had sat back and watched God answer prayers for my husband, my friends, and my family members, but what I most desired was never answered...until now!
Completely starting over, we moved soon after in October during the most perfect time of year.  Granted, something were not perfect or should I say 'ideal' because my folks are amazing.  We lived with my parents the whole time in an effort to get jobs and save up enough money for our own place.  This took months and months.  The cool thing about it, and what validated our move back, was that God performed a miracle. In January He blessed Joe with an amazing job.  It was so cool to see how God orchestrated events surrounding my hubby landing this particular job.  We were blown away by he people that God used and those that He put in Joe's path!  Joe's job gave us an opportunity to save like we've never saved before.  We were a month ahead in our finances, and by June we had all the money that we needed to rent our own place.  At this point we were so ready to get out of my parent's hair, if you know what I mean, and set down roots in Austin.  Life was good!!!!  I was happy!!!!  My prayers had been answered.

Then, in mid June, Joe got a call out of the blue.  His old employer felt lead my God to ask Joe to come back and work for them.  Even though I was super duper satisfied living in Austin, I put up zero fight when God called us back to California.  Why?  Because that's what I do.  That's what WE do as Christians.  When God calls us, we go!  No questions asked....right?
Now, after being back in California again for 2 months, I've had plenty of time to reflect on what has actually happened to me and my family.
When I am alone with my thought (which is a rarity with 3 kids) my mind wonders back to Texas.  I cry often, mostly to God.  I ask Him why it hurts so badly this time.  Out of all the times that I had done what He had asked me to do, why is this time different in my heart?  I don't want to be sad.  I don't want to be bitter.  I want to be joyous about all of this.  God has blessed me so much.  Am I just being a spoiled little brat because this time I didn't get my way?  Why did God answer my prayer about moving back to Texas and then 10 months later, rip it out from underneath me?
Don't get me wrong, I know that God is not mean.  I understand that in the greater scheme of things, His will for all of this will be revealed to me.  But right now....I'm not seeing it.  My heart hurts daily.

Ecclesiastes 3:11 says, "He has made everything beautiful in it's time.  He has also set eternity in the human heart; yet no one can fathom what God has done from beginning to end."  Isaiah 55:8-9 says, "My thoughts, 'says the Lord', are not like yours, and my ways are different from yours.  As high as the heavens are above the earth, so high are my ways and thoughts above yours."
Wow!  Just wow!
I can't fathom what God is doing because His plans for me are so great that it's impossible for me to see it.  I can ask why all day long, but the greatest part about all of this is what is to come.  I DO have hope in God's promises.  Just like Jeremiah 29:11 says, "I alone know the plans I have for you, plans to bring you prosperity an not disaster (even when it feels like it in that moment), plans to bring about the future you hope for."  So during all of my pain and unanswered questions, I have hope and I have faith.  I've seen God's love constantly in my life.  This is why I love Him.  This is why I am a believer, because I have see God's love for me and I can not deny it.  I do not doubt that His ways are greater than my own.  I don't want to do life unless it's on God's terms.  I just have to realize that sometimes it's going to be hard for me, but that doesn't mean that I'm not going to go forth.
If I had resisted...if I had not moved back to California, I know that something would be missing in my life.  God's will would be missing.  I have put aside my own desires to follow God's will and I know that that will lead me to unending joy...where ever I'm at.